winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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