Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i wish my penis had a tongue
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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