I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
