wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
These tits shall not be calmed
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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