i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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