just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
