one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I'd cum for enchiladas.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize