i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
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