I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I party with great urgency now.
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