Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
