it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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