It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
