I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
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