if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
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