I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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