i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
