I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
