Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
