Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
where are you?
Hypothermia
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
