It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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