i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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