I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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