Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
