Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
