Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
