PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
i think i have two assholes
Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
