I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
