Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
