That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
