you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize
