Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
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