just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I fill condoms, not promises.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
