i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
