Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
