Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize