i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
