Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
