Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Randomize
