we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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