Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize