Say something about gay babies.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
