sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
