Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
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