In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
