He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
