Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Randomize
