Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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