Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
wow bdsm is so cute
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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