i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
