Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize