I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
