On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
