please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize