I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
