Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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