considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
