last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
